And truly, he didn't...see me cry that is...not for many, many years into our marriage. In anger and frustration, passive-aggressive felt she had really showed him. Yet, STFM was not upset or hurt at all by the bold vow. In fact, he was glad for it. He was getting everything he wanted out of the argument; no more tears would be a bonus!
Time went on, life ebbed and flowed between beautiful moments of joy and the harsh reality of conflict. From the rearview mirror I see more beauty than anything else. However, there were disagreements, hurt feelings, and painful emotions; the normal stuff of relationship between two people daily struggling between saint and sinner.
When the tears stung at the corners of my eyes, I practiced what I had declared; I pushed them back, bit my lip, and most often laughed to keep myself from crying.
Still rather young on my adventure journey with Jesus, I had no understanding of the power of my words. I had not read God's word regarding vows and oaths, nor the power of life and death being in the tongue. However, I was taught by my dad, "Never say never!" Obviously, I had not yet learned to heed the warnings of elder wisdom and Godly counsel.
In your anger, do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27
The rash words faded over weeks, months and years. My hastily spoken words though, blurted out in anger, opened a hole in my spiritual heart garden, and into the fertile soil the enemy of my soul continually sowed seeds of lies.
Each time my heart was wounded, I pushed the tears down, along with the pain, packing those lies down further and further. The lies took root and from the lies grew wrong thinking; out of wrong thinking, wrong actions played out. Such a subtle and deceptive tactic of our enemy, Satan.
In time, we began a family, STFM and I. As the two became four, Father answered my prayers for only sons to raise. (One of the lies I believed: I would be a better mom to sons than daughters. Wrongly I thought life would hold less drama (fewer tears)with sons. Wrongly, I say!)
With two sons, one STFM and a boy dog, I was greatly out-numbered by testosterone. And so, with every year, every stage of life as a family, the un-redeemed people-pleaser in me continually sought to fit in by "being one of the guys". Sports, stinky socks, tons of boo boos, and brush it off - you're not hurt, no you're tough...
As their mom I had done them a great dis-service.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
I'm so grateful for redemption, forgiveness and restoration. More to follow...
Blessings of GREAT JOY on your amazing adventure journey with Jesus,